12/16/03
I
asked him to put two things in his agenda book for him to do at school
tomorrow. 2 simple errands. Order a transcript be sent to a college,
and ask a teacher for a letter of recommendation. He's supposed to
have done it for several days now, I just asked him matter-of-factly
to put it in for tomorrow. I had just bought him McDonald's, and we
had a 4p college onsite admission appt to go to. He went off on me
about how he's 18, he doesn't have to do anything I say, that I'm
manipulative and controlling. I snapped back the names of people at
school, and each of us, who are working hard at getting him to
college, and when he disrespects all of us by not doing his homework,
or refusing to do the simple errands required, I don't care to do
anything for him. I ordered him out of the car. He walked home. I
locked him out of our home. He demanded everything upstairs in the
bedroom, and tried several times to force his way into our home. He
demanded all the things "that are mine". I said, "What
do you own?!?" He finally demanded his passport and birth
certificate. I said I'd mail them. He refused to wait for that
and tried to force his way into the door again. I called the
police. He called the police - to demand I give him all his stuff.
I
tried to call dh, but he's at school for finals and was unreachable.
*a little resentment*
I
guess the police asked him to meet them on the street. I didn't know
if ss had disappeared or what. Police came to my door. He didn't tell
me he'd talked to my ss. I asked, and I think the cop saw the worry
and concern in my face and in my voice. I was relieved to hear he
hadn't disappeared.
Cop
was asking me if ss has someplace to go. I didn't know if
police were blaming me or supporting me at first. It turned out what
the policeman wanted from me is that I stick to my guns that ss must
follow my rules or go live with his mom, otherwise ss will pull these
threats over and over. Cop didn't want me to show any weakness or
tears to ss. He went down to talk to ss again. They all came upstairs.
Ss
apologized and acquiesced. He would do the simple errands I'd asked
him to do. The policeman started to tell him, while nodding at me,
that ss should be so grateful that we're working so hard to keep him
in line and get his future going. I burst into tears ss didn't
see cuz I stayed quiet and turned to step slightly out of sight. The
cop saw me and gave me a nod of good job. The other one shook my hand.
Ss made a lame attempt to convince the cops I was unreasonable."She didn't even give
me a warning. It was like two times." (that I was pissed and
ordering him out of my car or keeping him out of the house I guess) The cop looked at ss
seriously with intent, "Now you know, and next time there won't
be a warning."
I'd quickly re-membered myself from the tears and in front of
cops I told ss it's 3:45p, we can still make the college app
appointment. Ss at first objected, "No, I have things to do"
I said it'll only take 1/2 hr. Ss repeated, "No, I have things to
do. Can't we do it online?" I replied no, they can't waive the app fee online, (I had already explained why days before). The
cop spoke up, "What's the big deal? Can't you do this?"
In
the face of the cops' stare Ss quickly rethought his objections and
said, "I guess I can go."
In the car ss again thanked me "for not taking this
further". I guess the cop told him I could send him to live with
his mom or a detention center. I didn't ask ss what he meant. I just
responded "you're welcome." He was cooperative the entire
evening.
Tonight
my 15yo told me bm told ss, again, that I was controlling and
manipulative, and that's what stirred things up - again. I guess her
interpretation of my setting a boundary regarding her harassing phone
calls, refusing to allow them into my home, and sidestepping her
attempted manipulation over the award copies (btw she tried to scan
them at Kinko's, they couldn't scan the "copyrighted" award,
and she's mailing the originals today after all - I was stunned) all
translates to I'm the controlling/manipulating one, and as has
happened in past years ss always buys her exclamations and turns to
accuse us and cause a huge scene trying to be in control of our
household.
*shaking
my head* I don't point out to him she's the one manipulating. I just
take care of my side of the fence.
Ss
never saw my tears while waiting for him to get ready to go to the
appt. I'm tired of being a mom. I'm tired of being a stepmom. I marvel
at all the past years of hard times we've gotten thru and seeing light
at the end of the tunnel, and wonder if we'll make it that last little
bit of the journey. I feel used, abused, taken for granted...
I'll
recover. I always have. I'll continue to do what I can, and let go of
what I can't do.
Concerned Stepmom
ps. Dh was ready to kick ss out of the house. Dh had a long talk with
ss that his behavior will not be tolerated and he will be sent to his
mom's if he misbehaves. Ss said he doesn't want to live with his
mom. He's been behaving.
"She" can be one too!
When you look at the deadbeat sites, ask yourself if you're
behaving like a deadbeat, and remember that men are victims of "her"
deadbeat mentality also.
