ACOA Step 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

In association with books, music and videos recommended by Don't Fall Until You See the Whites of Their Lies.

Step One

We became aware that we were powerless over and blameless for the circumstances of our childhood, and that our lives had become unmanageable.

For many of us incest became an issue of control. We were responsible at least in our own minds, for keeping the terrible secret of sexual abuse in the family. To break the secret, we believed, would be the equivalent of bringing destruction to our families. What a burden to bear! Nevertheless, we did keep the secret. By doing so we felt at least some control over what seemed an uncontrollable situation. Keeping the secret felt like some manageability in our lives. In our need to control and protect, we removed the incest offenders from the consequences of their behavior and took on much of their guilt in the process. "If only we had not been so stupid or timid," we told ourselves, "or if only we had behaved differently, the incest would never have happened." We denied that we were powerless over our histories. Taking our First Step helped us realize that we cannot undo what has been done to us.

Some of us tried to present to the outside world an image of the perfect family. Others of us rebelled, making ourselves so "bad" (lying, becoming promiscuous or pregnant, running away, using drugs or alcohol) that we diverted the attention and the responsibility away from the people who most deserved it. Almost all of us tried in some way to change our families from what they were into what we wanted them to be. In SAA we learned that we are not responsible for our families and that we are powerless to change them; but that we can change, to some extent, the way that we relate to them.

Many of us became people pleasers, hiding the tremendous anger that arose out of the incest situation, and presenting to the world a picture of control and passivity. We cheated ourselves out of our own feelings hoping that our eagerness to please would earn the love and nurturing we so desperately needed. Unfortunately, the very inability to express our anger and hurt (or the fear of doing so) kept others at a distance and increased our isolation. We had a false sense of power over our feelings and yet ended up being slaves to them.

Some of us reacted to our sexual abuse by shutting down our natural feelings of sexual arousal and excitement; we felt betrayed by our bodies for responding naturally to that unnatural situation. Others of us learned to use sex as a way to get attention and affection; we were frequently unable to even distinguish between love and sex. And still others of us found the abusive sexual contact to be so "dirty" or "disgusting" that we became repulsed by sex and/or confused about our sexuality.. Years of this type of shutting down or promiscuity or confusion took their toll on our ability to respond warmly and passionately in sexual situations. Our need to control our own bodies, which once served as a mechanism for emotional survival, now proved dysfunctional in maintaining close relationships with loving partners.

We could no longer ignore the sexual abuse, we could no longer deny that it had happened to us. Nor could we deny that it continued to affect us, to varying degrees, even today. Admitting to the powerlessness and unmangeability of our lives was a gradual process that began when we surrendered to the fact that sexual abuse happened when we relinquished some control over that terrible secret. As part of this process, many of us wrote and shared with others an inventory of the abusive behavior and how it affected various aspects of our lives. We admitted that we could never control the people around us, or most of the events in our daily lives. Though the incest may have happened a long time ago, the memories, the guilt and the self-demeaning thoughts lingered with us. To acknowledge them and begin to deal with them was to admit that our lives were unmanageable.

Taking the First Step did not degrade us; it was the sexual abuse that was degrading. Nor did it mean that we saw ourselves as victims, unable to do anything positive or to make changes in our lives. On the contrary, it was the First Step in making changes in the way we viewed our victimization, ourselves and our lives. It was letting go of our old attempts to "control" our feelings, other people and events, and the secrecy of incest in our lives. It was the beginning of freedom from all the responsibility, guilt, and shame we felt as victims and complementary freedom to live a new life based on our

ACOA Step 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 emerging strengths, to live as survivors.

In association with books, music and videos recommended by Don't Fall Until You See the Whites of Their Lies.

ACOA Redondo Beach incest survivor MBW Family known for genealogy, Harry Potter Easter Party, wedding pranks, divorce pranks, redhead jokes,  the Oh No A Bear Picture, Colorado resident Marvin the Martian, Spirituality Stories, Casper, Amaryzingrace's Tweety, Angela's Taz, Brittny's and Drew's Angelica and Tommy from Rugrats Playground.  The guys won't want to miss my co-worker and model Marina Blackwell's photo gallery.