ACOA Step 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

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Step Three

Made a decision to begin a process of recovery and change, trusting in a higher power of our own understanding to care for us and guide us in our journey.

The Third Step was perhaps the hardest Step of the twelve for us as incest survivors. Many of us balked at the idea of turning our wills and our lives over to anyone or anything fearing the loss of whatever control we had gained for ourselves since the incest experience. At one time our wills and our lives were in the control of a powerful person who, through manipulation and/or force, took from us the control of our own bodies. In response to that, many of us became great controllers ourselves. At first we attempted to control the abuse or the abuser by avoidance, or by making ourselves unattractive, or by breaking into tears or by whatever other survival techniques we could come up with. Rarely had we confronted the abuser head on, and often we were powerless to do so because of our vulnerability. We attempted to control ourselves and our emotions by burying the powerful secret of incest, denying it, discounting it, living in a fantasy world, or going numb to our feelings. We kept others at a "safe" distance to prevent their discovering our secret. We held false reins of control over our families, believing that if we did not talk about the abuse there was still a chance for the "perfect" family where we could be loved unconditionally as persons and not as sexual objects. Over the years the secret of incest and the false sense of control took on mammoth proportions for many of us. Would we dare to let go of it in Step Three?

The Third Step was a Step of letting go but that meant different things for each of us, depending where we were in the process of dealing with the incest. For some, it meant admitting to one other person that incest occurred and that it continues to have its effects today. For others, the "letting go" happened when we trusted the SAA group enough to talk about the abuse and seek help from others. Still others reached the point where confronting the abuser with his/her behavior became the ultimate act of letting go of responsibility for the incest. It was giving up the myth that everything could be perfect and admitting that our families had not been healthy ones. It was shedding our false sense of pride and recognizing our need for therapy. We couldn't do it alone any longer. It was saying to ourselves and others that we would no longer be responsible for and protect the people who abused us, that they must face their own consequences.

The Third Step was a Step of surrender, not submission. The first three words "Made a decision" say that this is something we chose to do and that we could select when and to whom we could turn over our wills. It was not giving up our will to one other person, nor was it expecting others to take care of us. It was admitting that we did not have all the answers, that we couldn't control others in our lives, and that we did not have to be responsible for the abuse that we experienced.

Like all of the Twelve Steps, Step Three was not only part of a process, but was a process in itself. Many of us make the decision every day to turn our lives over to the care of a higher power and every day find ourselves struggling to take back that power. Many of us wanted to turn and run and say, "I can handle this myself...Let's just forgive and forget...My abuse wasn't so bad." We denied the feelings of anger, fear, resentment and rejection that are connected with the incest, yet we continued to act on these feelings in our everyday lives. There was a tremendous feeling of relief in knowing that we deserved to be angry and resentful and we did not have to deal with the anger alone. The decision was ours alone to make.

ACOA Step 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

In association with books, music and videos recommended by Don't Fall Until You See the Whites of Their Lies.

ACOA Redondo Beach incest survivor MBW Family known for genealogy, Harry Potter Easter Party, wedding pranks, divorce pranks, redhead jokes,  the Oh No A Bear Picture, Colorado resident Marvin the Martian, Spirituality Stories, Casper, Amaryzingrace's Tweety, Angela's Taz, Brittny's and Drew's Angelica and Tommy from Rugrats Playground.  The guys won't want to miss my co-worker and model Marina Blackwell's photo gallery.