ACOA Step 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

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Step Four

Began an inventory of all that happened to us in our childhood, acknowledging how it affected us then, and how it affects us now. We also allowed ourselves to uncover and experience the feelings we had repressed and denied for so long.

The Fourth Step issued a challenge to look at ourselves, not only in the context of the sexual abuse we survived, but also in the context of our daily lives. Step Four followed naturally from the first three Steps. Once we stopped attempting to control others and began to trust again, we were better able to take a good look at ourselves. It was only here, within ourselves, that we could make some real changes.

This Step asked that our search for ourselves be fearless and that it be a moral inventory. many of us recognize that fear is very much a part of our lives -- not only fear of the abuse and the abuser, but fear of ourselves, too. We had been exposed to the dark sides of other people during the incest, and this led many of us to recognize that there was a dark side to ourselves as well. It was difficult to look at the ways we had been abusive (either of ourselves or of others) and to recognize that we were capable of directing that tremendous hurt we felt inside toward those around us. SAA was there to provide support in that search. The group provided honest feeback in the way others saw us, if we were open to that feedback.

As to the moral inventory -- what exactly did that mean? How had we lost sight of our values over the years and when was the last time we sat down and examined our behavior in the light of those values? If we said that we believe in complete honesty, for example, but often stretched the truth to appear in a better light to those around us was not our pride more important to us than our honesty? A moral inventory was an opportunity to re-examine and reaffirm our values and take Steps toward accepting and/or changing the mistakes that we had been making. We also tried to keep in mind that our mistakes did not make us monsters, but merely human.

As incest survivors, we often experienced a tremendous amount of guilt in connection with the sexual abuse. We continued to crucify ourselves for our thoughts and feelings about the abuse and the abuser. The less we had resisted the abuser's advances, the more guilt we often felt. And though others told us we were not to blame, we still clung to the belief that "If you only knew the real story, you would see that I am guilty." The Fourth Step inventory was an excellent opportunity to write down our stories as we experience them. Most of us were already overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and shame. Continuing to blame ourselves for the abuse was not productive. But identifying specific areas of ugilt (for example, "I feel worst about the fact that I didn't tell" or "I hated the fact that the sex turned me on") helped us to see where we needed the most help in accepting our humanness and in forgiving ourselves.

And remember - it is just as self-deceptive to discount the postiive things in ourselves as it is to justify the negative.

ACOA Step 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

In association with books, music and videos recommended by Don't Fall Until You See the Whites of Their Lies.

ACOA Redondo Beach incest survivor MBW Family known for genealogy, Harry Potter Easter Party, wedding pranks, divorce pranks, redhead jokes,  the Oh No A Bear Picture, Colorado resident Marvin the Martian, Spirituality Stories, Casper, Amaryzingrace's Tweety, Angela's Taz, Brittny's and Drew's Angelica and Tommy from Rugrats Playground.  The guys won't want to miss my co-worker and model Marina Blackwell's photo gallery.