ACOA Step 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

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Step Nine

Recognizing that our own attitudes and behaviors were imitative of our dysfunctional caretakers, and harmful not only to ourselves but to those around us, we took responsibility for them and made appropriate amends where necessary.

The ninth step is a step of action. Taking action was often difficult for us as we struggled with the reality of sexual abuse. Once our abusers controlled our bodies and many other aspects of our lives as well. We were left with few outlets for the pain, fear and anger. We did not see ourselves as having many options. to survive some of us became reactors instead of actors, always fearful of making a decision always waiting for direction from another, more powerful person. Others of us survived by "going away" emotionally while the abuse was happening. We may have continued to use this technique as adults to escape from other kinds of emotional pain. Because the Twelve Steps encourage not only self reflection but action they help us to see that the survival techniques of the past hinder us in our adult lives.

Step nine talks about amends. Making amends is asking forgiveness, but it is also more than that. It is making reparation, that is, "repairing" something that has been broken. When we looked at the aplit that occurred between our emotional selves and our physical selves, we saw one area where reparation could be made. In a sense, one part of our beings had gone through the motions of growing up while the other part was screaming to be loved and nurtured as a child. The sexual abuse retarded our progression into adulthood as whole women and men. Another area in need of repair was that of our relationships we had with spouses, friends, children, family members and co-workers, we saw many situations where amends were long overdue.

Using step eight we made a list of all persons we had harmed. Harm is defined broadly here to include emotional and verbal harm as well as physical harm. Many of us wrote our own names at the top of that list. Step nine directs us to make amends with the person inside of us who has been harmed by our shame, our lack of assertiveness, our dependency on food, chemical, or destructive relationships, our suicide attempts, chronic depression or passivity. How well did we take care of the child within us? Though we were powerless over the incest experience we were not powerless to care for and respect ourselves. How often did we do that? We made amends with ourselves in many ways:

-- Seeing ourselves as survivors rather than victim.

-- Refusing to be re-victimized.

-- Confronting the abuser.

-- Confronting the abusive family system (either by directly talking about the abuse or indirectly by refusing to compromise ourselves in their presence).

-- Resolving to act more assertive.

-- Dealing with chemical or food abuse in therapy or in a support group.

-- Not ridiculing ourselves.

These are just some of the ways we began to repair the damage done by sexual abuse. These were amends that we alone could make.

While it was important to make reparation with ourselves, we tried not to neglect the broken bridges between ourselves and those around us. Our abuse robbed us of a lot of emotional energy. We were so preoccupied with our own pain that we neglected the hurts of those closest to us. Worse than this, though, was the anger for our abuser which may have been directed at a less threatening target such as a friend, child or lover. And how was our self-abusive behavior harmful to friends and relatives? These are just some of the areas we can all explore in making reparation with others. A word of caution is necessary here. We cannot expect that we will be immediately forgiven for our past mistakes nor can we expect that the path we have taken will be the same one that others have chosen. If we make amends with the expectation that all will be forgiven, we will often find that this is not so. Similarly, we will find that there are those who refuse to discuss the past and are unwilling to hear our feelings even though we struggle to make reparation. Step nine asks only that we make amends whenever possible.

The last few words of step nine read "...except when to do so would injure them or others." What does this mean? How can we injure when we seek to apologize? We tried to be aware of the effects of our honesty. Did we truly seek to make amends or merely to unload some guilt? The distinction is one of motivation more than result. Further more, the ninth step does not encourage amends when to do so would be a denial of the incest. Some of us confronted those who abused us only to be told that we must apologize for making false accusations or upsetting our families. To make amends in this situation would be to compromise ourselves and to become re-victimized. To do so would be an "injury" to self, the exception that is made in the closing words of the ninth step. This is not to say that we never find it in our hearts to forgive our abusers, only that we distinguish clearly between accepting responsibility for the abuse and repairing the relationship with the abuser.

ACOA Step 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

In association with books, music and videos recommended by Don't Fall Until You See the Whites of Their Lies.

ACOA Redondo Beach incest survivor MBW Family known for genealogy, Harry Potter Easter Party, wedding pranks, divorce pranks, redhead jokes,  the Oh No A Bear Picture, Colorado resident Marvin the Martian, Spirituality Stories, Casper, Amaryzingrace's Tweety, Angela's Taz, Brittny's and Drew's Angelica and Tommy from Rugrats Playground.  The guys won't want to miss my co-worker and model Marina Blackwell's photo gallery.